A week after

 

It has been a week that I’ve been living separately from my Husband…

I thought I’ll be fine

I thought that it won’t matter

But I guess I was wrong

I miss him

I cried after knowing he got sick

The feeling of failure for not being able to take care of him when it is my duty

It would be another month before we are going to meet up

My oh my…I’m getting anxious

Such a different feeling as compared to before the solemnization

I wish to speed up the time

I wish that website can accept my application ASAP

 

#a wife’s rambling

My Oh My…Posting result

 

I will be posted soon.

This 16th January.

I am anxious.

Because they haven’t specified the exact school or state.

I only know that I will be serving in any one of boarding schools (SBP) in Malaysia.

 

Counting my blessings

 

Yes, I’ve been emotionally disturbed lately. I’ve been thinking of what the haters think and do, which made me felt even more sad and tormented. Now, I would like to try to count my blessings. Something that they do not have or appreciate. Small things that should make me feel grateful and happy with God’s gifts.

1. I have my MOTHER.
2. I have a good stepDAD.
3. I have a loving BROTHER.
4. I have two houses in two states.
5. I have CATS to ease down my rage and loneliness.
6. I have a good AUNTY who cares about my wellbeing.
7. I have good friends who supports me with worthy advice (not flaring me up with more hatred)
8. I’ve finished my degree.
9. I have one or two stepsiblings who might be neutral about the issue I’m facing. Thus, no awkward treatment from them.
10. I’m physically able to do things that I want.
11. I have food to eat.
12. I have a brain to think wisely.
13. I have my own driving license which I earned using my OWN money. (no cable or wire involved ;p)
14. I have feelings to make me feel more human.
15. I have found SOMEONE to hold my hands sincerely when I thought I might be drowned in the sea full of sharks.

and the list continues in my heart…..

I know it’s hard to soften and console this little heart but I really hope this works, apart from praying to God.

Why am I stuck here again?

 

The reason I’m here is because of my mum

Each year, I forced myself to be here and smile

They hate us. I know, I do care and acknowledge it. In fact, I felt the same way

But it has been a decade but they still haven’t grown up & matured up their thoughts.

If it’s not because of my mum, I would have hated them 10 times worst

If it’s not because of God, I would have given their own medicine with my own bare hands

They can slander us like nobody’s business but so long as there’s no proof, I’m sure God is just waiting for the right time to teach them.

Right now, I decided that they no longer deserve my kindness as it was merely perceived as hypocritical acts throughout the whole decade. So, why not starting now, I will just ignore them and try to see if they prefer the current ‘ME’ better.

I will pray so hard so that each time they hurt my mum and fail to seek forgiveness, God will take back his mercy on them until they realise their faults.

They’ve hurt their own mum till her last breath. I don’t want them to do the same thing to my mum. I refuse to let that happen. Please pray it won’t happen.

 

 

.

Moments that are rare

 

Okay, it’s not always that I got myself into accident and usually I tend myself because that’s the way my mum brought me up. However, I experienced different scenario here while living with Dad. With the temporary handicap situation of mine, I could only work with one hand. It was quite difficult for the first few days.

There was a time I tried with extra effort to tie up my hair, mine you it was not achievable with one hand (maybe I was not creative enough). Then, Dad came to the rescue and willingly comb my hair and tie it (it was pretty and in fact, even better than my mum’s hair tying outcome). He did this a few times for the rest of the two weeks.

Then, due to my condition to, I did not manage to wash my hair for a week (yes, it was gross.) But, lucky me, kak che da was willing to help me wash my hair. I felt revitalize and happy with the new washed hair! I am indeed so thankful to her.

These past few days, my burnt skin started to fall off bit by bit. Some spots were okay but some had some redness on them. I am not sure why. My hand did look extra dry & old. So, Dad decided to help me put on the cream that Dr. Khoo gave for scar. I hesitated at first because the doctor said to wait after all of the skin is well recovered. Yet, after 15 minutes, my skin looked better and moist. Okay, thank you Dad.

What I’m trying to say is that actually I’m lucky to be able to experience even a tiny bit of a father’s love especially at this age. Indeed, it was not a meaningless effort of mine to try and be a good daughter and refuse to submit to the force of the circumstances long ago (nearly made me rebel against my parents). Anyway, I will never forget this nice experience. I hope I can give better treatment to them when they need me in the future. Amin.

 

.

Bla..bla…bla…

 

Last night, I believed that I went to bed around 12 a.m. after treating myself with 4 episodes of the Korean drama Snow Queen. Before that I was in such a struggle to complete another part of my mother’s KISSM assignment (seriously, I dreaded BM essay writing..) Indeed, I’m loving my life now. Free from those BIG responsibilities  that I might have to embrace after working for real (thanks to KPM, of course!).

Oh yes, coming back to what I was actually about to tell you. Today is Friday, right? I considered it the day with the shortest time ( it just feel that way for ages) but after being good such a long time, I woke up late again. Seriously, I feel guilty & scared. I really don’t want to hear any comments from Daddy. Looking back, I think I did eat more than I usually do yesterday. I ate at 2.30pm for lunch, then 5.40pm for dinner but Dad brought back chicken rice at 8 pm and he expected me to finish it so I did. So, with all those foods inside me, my digestion system might feel exhausted to process all of them. Luckily, my body and soul are safe today. I must change for a better me tomorrow.

By the way, my hands are recovering better after a week since the day of the incident. I can feel the damaged skin starts to get dried up and no longer hurt me as much. From the real sight, I feel like wearing a black glove that has a hole on it. It was a sickening view…haha *inside I cried like a river

 

I still use one hand to do all the simple chores. I miss the functionality of my left hand.

And yes, I believe it now about the Malay saying that when you’re engaged, somehow you are vulnerable (darah manis) to all sorts of challenges and tests. In my case, it was partly my own carelessness and also fate. When you think that everything will be okay, then that’s when you will be tested with something new (in my case, burnt hand..of course I never had one) But God is Almighty…He spared me from experiencing worst possible situations. Gladly, it only affected my skin on the left hand. What if it was on the right hand? (how can I eat properly or do things well? ) What if it was my face ? (How could I face the people around me when I’m a person who cares so much about the public view.) What if it my hand and it made me deformed? ( There’s a good reason God give us two hands.)

I know now that I’m still blessed by His love. and I learned better of how to handle oil in the kitchen, another good life experience. Alhamdulillah.

 

 

 

p/s: I’m craving for kek batik. Just saying.

 

.

Hush it…not happening!

 

Initially, I didn’t want to share it

But then, he gave me the big surprise

I picked one of his pictures as my own

Later, my old school mates asked me about the rest of the pictures

I felt that I owe them one due to my failure to organize a party to treat them with my Mum’s laksa penang…*sigh

So much for secrecy…I’m a total failure when it comes to my own life matters.

.

 

 

p/s: Tq Liong for the special post…heart it so much!

 

 

.

Second thoughts

 

I would want to be good to you  and extend another positive gesture but knowing the hurtful things that you caused to my parents, I guess ignorance is the best option. To be entangled in your web of chaos and full of schemes is something that I really want to get away quickly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

p/s:yes, writing this is not ignoring but it’s the first step to motivate me. I kept on forgetting.

House is home.

 

Renovating a 20-year old house

To accommodate a family that is adding more members soon

He does it all by himself , with his own strength and determination. He done it before. He is doing it again.

Luckily, a friend of his, an ex-contractor is willing to be involved in his small project.

I could not help much.

Only able to prepare cold drinks and some food. (will be continuing it again soon)

I can see how he loves his family so much that also extends a message of a big hope & expectation through his effort with the house.  

Please be strong, Abah. I will help you with all my might soon. Next year would be the soonest.

Day out with Bestie

 

My day was quite fulfilling.

I was out and about with dearest Ira and her cute and adorable niece, Wawa today.

The lil girl was quite shy at first.

Our choice of movie to watch was decided by her (trying to maintain her good mood)---> Johnny English but due to language barrier and the dissimilarity of the storyline with Mr.Bean, the cute girl started to get cranky. Orange juice & one big sausage managed to hold her to stay put for an hour but after that, we had to get out of the cinema. I didn’t mind, really. Because she’s very cute and the storyline of the movie was quite slow too. So, nothing much that I missed.

We strolled around and looked for Wawa’s bag or purse : fancy choices were between Angry Bird, Hello Kitty and Strawberry. I tried to make conversation with her and it was flattering that she began to imitate me “Na.. ada banyak lagi sana!” Then, she smiled at me and I found her to be even more adorable!

Ira was so patient with her niece’s unexpected behaviours. I learned a lot today. I wish I could be as loving, smart and able to console kids like her. Haha I’ve a big wall to tear down in order to accomplish this.

I was so happy that the shy lil girl finally opened up to me right after lunch. We talked and she no longer worried of grabbing my hands to lead me to her aunty. Greatest satisfaction was when she willingly kissed and hugged me. Awww that was a huge achievement, man! Never thought kids would get used to me that fast.  

The outing made me feel like I have to prepare better if I would want to have kids soon. A lot of patience, efforts, love & ability to commit. My, my, a realisation within me---> something that I want but I’m scared to have it too. We’ll see how. Besides, it’s still a long way to go.

 

.

Inspired by JC

 

Seriously, I want to try and wear those kind of boots and jeans……

 

But I have to slim down my thighs or I will only look like the rotten jackfruit- haha bidaknya translation..more to fatty piggy ;p (yes, I’m disappointed at myself too)

 

 

Will I ever realise this small dream of mine?

 

 

 

Photo is courtesy of forwarded email from Jimmy Choo. TQ.

Unoriginal Attempt

 

 

#awkward when the person declares that he/she hates copycat and right before your eyes, he/she imitates you like nobody business.

 

 

I would take that as maybe the person was inspired by me and it was a good thing for the person tried to practice English though I wish I could help correct the person’s grammatical errors. I sense unwritten rivalry but why? I don’t disturb you. Shoo shoo!

A bit calmer

 

My last blog post for this issue…

Hey you who are involved in the illegal demonstration, pernah tak dengar pepatah Melayu? Meh aku nak habaq….

Janganlah jadi pak kaduk, menang sorak, kampung tergadai!

 

 

P/s: setuju dengan pendapat seorang rakan, zaman Dr.M, xda benda2 rusuhan gni unless time Anwar memberontak….everything terkawal..but tu dulu, now, aku terpaksa hidup ngan org2 yg tatau apa motif diorg nak wat chaos.

Seriously geram ngan perosak durjana

 

nak alih perhatian berpada2 la...huru-hara negara...people can see ba...dr dulu pun gtu juga cara yg diguna...buruk2kan negara sendiri...just to distract people from focusing on your case.

Instead of rusuhan, you can go personally and see the PM to nego but ndak, mau juga create chaos. If you think for the citizen, you should care for their safety (nak rusuhan, if cedera ke ape ke), the nation’s well-being but no, mau juga minta support. tgk esok2 ni, investors lari, apa jadi ngan ekonomi negara and in the end, apa jadi ngan rakyat? pastu if negara ko dpt take over, ko igt sng la nak bgnkan blk everything? silap2 lagi huru-hara. and silap2 ko yg lesap!

kalau betul nak perjuangkan hak, in our country ni cukup fortunate sdh, but no, u are greed for more power. Siap exploit students, children & Islamic NGOs…tgk Indon sdh, demonstrasi sana sni, apa jd?

Bila kerajaan bagi subsidi, kata nak tutup or kaburi mata rakyat…tp bila tak bg, kaw2 kutuk….nak komplen, gunakan platform yang betul…not using radical acts….

Yg support tu, korang fikir la bgs2, apa la hak korang yg kena deny betul2? other than hak mengundi knun2 nda bersih tu…? yg dulu support opponents, what progress u have in your kawasan now? nak jadi pemimpin bukan senang,,,,and nyata2la pemimpin yg bgs takkan menggalakkan pertelingkahan…

dapat bekerja, dpt gaji, dpt p mall, hntar anak p skola, dpt bersiar2…benda basic gtu masih kita dpt ba…No one says that dengan terima subsidies , kita takleh suarakan hak terus…xda org suh kita diam..tp ada cara yg betul….so gunakanlah dgn baik. again, i wud like to emphasize ---radical acts are not a wise option. nak radical p palestin…tlg org belah sana lg bermanfaat, kalau mati, dpt mati syahid.

Bersyukur la…bersyukur….tolonglah…

 

Sekian, terima kasih.

 

 

yg terkilan.

 

 

P/s: sorry sbb discussing more about this…can’t help myself and please pardon the language & writing….wud like to be extra authentic…

Minta puji jak diorang nih

 

I won’t say much but PLEASE stop doing things that can destroy the peace & civilization of the country. Just Go to any of the uninhibited islands of Indon and create your so-called perfect government there!

Heart what’s yours

 

Never let anyone else hold anything of yours

You will never know when they will claim it as theirs

Till then, it will be too late

No harm in postponing

 

Different people have different priority at a given time

 

“No harm in postponing” ---> that would be my new mantra.

 

Good luck to my friends who are pursuing their dreams…all the best okay!

It’s okay

 

This is what I have decided

Having to receive such an offer is a big deal to me

It is such an honour too

I thought that I am able to squeeze all the things that I want and have them done once and for all

But, it is not possible

 

Did my reality checks

I will attend to things that require my delicate and undivided attention within this 12-month period of time

Dear God, please let me be firm with this decision. I will postpone the other option that you have given me and pursue it with him together.

I must not get stress on such matter anymore

I have him by my side and we will have all the things that we want together, soon.  

Drizzle

 

The weather is just perfect

Cool, windy and cloudy.

With drizzle that wets the soil

Some may say it is a gloomy day, but for me, it’s a day to rejoice

The plants and the earth in KK would be very glad for the water that freed them from the scorching thirst.

In fact, this is one of those days that fondly reminds me of my dear Mr. Munchkin

Wish you were by my side now…

 

Of Society & Culture

 

I love events that are related to the culture and beliefs of a community such as the one that I went to today, a Bajau’s wedding. I am not sure whether it is related to my love towards History or what but I personally appreciate people who still preserve their own culture, especially the ones that are unique. Like today, I nearly cried either out of sad or touched by the voices of two old men reciting a poem (syair) in Bajau language. I was not sure what went wrong with my mind but I was saddened by the reality that those old men might not have younger generation to replace them, to continue the culture. Everyone seems to chase after the modern trends and no longer feels that the cultural practices are special and significant. So much of modernization effects.