Of a long lost father

 

A message from an unknown man who was an old colleague of my father  was received in my other FB account.

Asking for my long lost father.

It is quite disturbing yet at the same time, intriguing as we haven’t contacted each other for so long.

It was such an irony to receive such a message because I myself also wanted to know his well-being despite our disagreement in our last conversation.

If he was hurt for my honest comments of not wanting to get in touch with him without my mum’s knowing, well I can’t do anything. I owed mum more than him.

I’m torn as my heart and my rational thoughts are going in opposite poles.

I want to get a hold of him, my dad. However, he had not really been ‘a dad’ since I was age 3… Yet, I still remember and hold strongly of the good memories that we had together.

Throughout the whole time when I was in primary or high school,

I always imagine of what would become of my life should he was there with me.

Because I longed to have my hands held to get me across the road and get fetched till the main gate. But, I only got to see it through my friends’ eyes.

I longed to have myself been taught how to swim properly in the pool or the sea.

I longed to be tutored personally on subjects that I was not good at.

Yet, it was all a dream…an unfulfilled desire.

Nevertheless, I should never disregard the fact that things might not turn out to be like my ideal dreams if he were to be with me, let alone after these 20 years.

Maybe it was not my destiny to have been brought up by both parents. But , I am grateful that my mum is strong enough to hold on to her life and the children and tried to compensate what we lack in life with all her might.